An abusive relationship doesn't start with a slap in the face or a death threat. Violence may never manifest itself physically. Unfortunately, this does not mean that the pain and destruction are less real inside a woman's head.

An abusive relationship doesn't have to be synonymous with femicide to get our attention. Or, at least, we should wake up to this fact and find the true sense of sisterhood, looking more at life, without waiting for tragedies to open up what we minimize. 

An abusive relationship can happen to anyone — or anyone. Beautiful people, fun, good with life, educated, healthy… Strong and well-resolved women. Yes, you can find all these attributes in an abusive relationship victim.

We start with that point because breaking the stereotype is the premise of this conversation. We need to dissociate domestic violence from quasi-pejorative scenarios and actions. 

Every time we think that only a punch gives away and that aggression is only experienced by ignorant, vulnerable, naive or submissive people, we experience the place of the aggressor more than the victim.

You may have been in—or are in—an abusive relationship, but you never thought of it that way. Maybe you see people close to you experiencing a situation like this. In this post, we want to show you how to spot the signs, as a slap is never the first to come.

1. Too much “love”
It may seem paradoxical, but it is common in reports of abusive relationships. The abuser has a certain pattern of behavior. And, in this pattern, the ability to seduce stands out.

The abuser can be an extremely romantic, gentle, voraciously passionate guy. He is able to erect an impressive pedestal and place his chosen one on top, nurturing female self-esteem in a unique way.

Exaggerated manifestations, “proofs of love” and big declarations are beautiful, we all know that! But know how to see when they are spontaneous and when they are there to divert our attention.

2. He wants you to change
Another characteristic of an abusive relationship is the imposition—subtle or not—of changes in behavior.

We are not talking about constructive criticism, which emerges in frank dialogues. Of course, the person you live with can suggest new habits, encourage you to explore new tastes. This is learning, growth, evolution!

However, in a toxic relationship, the suggestions for change take on other tones. They are generally moralists. Or rather, according to the other's criteria of right, good and beautiful.

The abuser will know how to show his point of view with mastery. He will know how to insinuate how his proposal will benefit the character and appearance of his victim. 

The abuser will know how to show his point of view with mastery. He will know how to insinuate how his proposal will benefit the character and appearance of his victim.

How about losing weight, changing your wardrobe, changing your hair, stopping going to such places and becoming an even more beautiful person?

Well, what does a little adjustment cost, when what's at stake is a love story, right? 

As we said, there are positive changes. Those that, even caused by an outside suggestion, speak to our sense of identity. The problem is when the change is intended to convert us into someone else's ideal.

There are changes that enhance our personality. Our voice grows, the self becomes more secure and aware of its particularities. And there are changes that cage us, diminish us, nullify our own desires and expressions.
Very careful!

3. The abusive relationship is a web
This is one of the most recurrent metaphors in reports of abusive relationships. It is interesting to think about it, because, in fact, understanding the web brings us closer to the experience of someone who finds himself entangled by almost invisible bonds – but which paralyze.

A web builds up little by little. Quietly. Being inconspicuous, as much as you can, makes you more powerful.

A web is not a hungry jaw. But women were taught to identify wolves, not webs… Webs don't frighten you until they are visible. However, that may be a sign that we have already fallen into them.

All this to assume that, yes, webs are difficult to detect. Forgive yourself if you fall into the trap and remember that you are human. And when they fall, humans can get up. 

But don't just think about yourself. Think about the women you know well or barely know. Help to see the webs when given the opportunity. Don't shut up your impressions. Find discreet ways to address your perceptions.

If you know about abusive dating or abusive relationship in marriage when the story is from the past, don't judge. Don't ask how the person didn't realize it before, how he can let the situation go so far... Remember the web: the danger was almost transparent.

4. Overprotection can be a sign of an abusive relationship

This is one of the web lines. Overprotection can seem like beautiful, generous care. And at first, it won't do any harm. It will sound like a zeal, which reflects affection and concern.

Recognizing an abusive relationship is complicated precisely because many warning signs are confused with expressions of affection. From a distance, it may even seem easy to spot the difference. But for those who are entangled, the distinction is not so simple. 

It is with time that overprotection shows its nefarious side. The solicitous attitude becomes a weapon of blackmail or depreciation. Suddenly, the service is used by the abuser as proof of the victim's incapacity, a demonstration of his ineptitude in performing simple tasks or knowing how to avoid dangers.

Overprotection diminishes the victim as it increases the power of the aggressor. As a “caregiver” he becomes fundamental for each action, emptying the victim's decision-making autonomy. 

When someone takes charge of our lives, we give them authority over our choices and validation of our results.

It is important to maintain financial independence, not abandon preferences and friendships for the judgment of others. Who cares, respects. And those who love, admire.

When accepting gestures that indicate overprotection, ask yourself what they mean in terms of your freedom to be and think. If they stifle your opinion, they cannot be interpreted as affection, but rather as signs of manipulation.

5. Verbal aggression and psychological violence
The abusive relationship is a seesaw. Now the aggressor is kind, charming, a passionate devotee. This positive face is what makes the emotional game complex. After all, when humiliation comes from the one she loves so much, she gains airs of reason.  

In contrast to the moments of praise, little by little, the derogatory criticism is gaining ground. As they are uttered by such an intimate person, they shake and weaken the identity of those who hear them.

Yes, the aggression and moral violence of an abusive relationship can come in the form of name calling. But they are not always so clear. Subtle comments are even more powerful, because they undermine defenses and disrupt objective interpretation.

6. Threats and Blackmail
Threats in an abusive relationship are part of physical or emotional violence. Insinuations of harm to the victim can be psychological, appealing to guilt, shame, abandonment. Emotional blackmail is extremely dangerous and paralyzing.

But the threat can be physical, reaching the heights of phrases like “if it's not mine, it won't be anyone else's”.

The more fragile the victim's identity, the more the abusive relationship conquers territory. Physical violence can be the pinnacle, the incontrovertible evidence. But it's not the only one that hurts and traumatizes..

Anyone who lives - or has lived - an abusive relationship needs help. The search for a psychologist helps in identifying and overcoming the problem.

Don't ignore the signs. No pain is normal. The web is strong but not invincible.

Remember that a healthy relationship is one that gives birth to your personality. The abusive, toxic relationship, on the other hand, will sink you into shadows. Don't let fear be your guide. The first step to winning the web is deciding to get out of it. Don't be afraid to seek help. It is an act of courage..